


Crooked Pathways, Guiding Light

by thebluesweater



Series: even though we ain't got money, i'm so inlove with you honey [2]
Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Aged Up NCT Dream, Character Study, Drama, Getting Back Together, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-14
Updated: 2019-06-14
Packaged: 2020-05-07 16:57:31
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,400
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19213663
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thebluesweater/pseuds/thebluesweater
Summary: Renjun got lost on his way home.





	Crooked Pathways, Guiding Light

**Author's Note:**

> this is... self-indulgent and unbeta-ed. im sorry if there are mistakes bec there will be.
> 
> on another note, this is more of a renjun-centric fic than an actual jenren fic. its also a word vomit and has no actual uhhhh plot. lmao. okay maybe there is a little. but this is more of me wanting to get something out so i wouldnt stay in a slump for too long.
> 
> this is part of a series, but dw its not chronological and its a slice of life so ykno... things don't have to make sense as a whole and you don't have to read the first one to be able to understand this one (though it would be nice if you read the first one).
> 
> the characters aren't mine. i don't claim any of the events in this story to be true. i do not allow reposting of the fic anywhere else.
> 
> thank you and enjoy!

_ It had been years since he last saw him. _

The night had come too fast on that particular day for Renjun’s liking.

Workers of 9 to 5 were bustling through the streets, on their way home with stress weighing atop the slope of their shoulders. He hated to admit that he was one of them, but it was a futile attempt. Every step showed his exhaustion from a grueling day at the office. Every huff that come out of his lips voiced out the frustration he had towards how numb and boring his life had been for the past seven years.

The traffic was moving a little too slow as caused by the congested metropolis. Renjun was surrounded by different lights- dancing, blinding and sparkly- like the modern dream city it should be.

Life used to be fun for Renjun. He used to be like those people he just passed by, brimming to the brink with fun and recklessly daring. Looking at how exuberantly careless they were made him see green, so he turned his gaze away and focused on his path to the bus stop.

He didn’t know when life had clipped his wings and when he had stopped flying so freely up in the sky. One day, he just woke up and found himself already knee deep in the sand with no means of getting back up there in the sky again.

However, that was then. He guessed life just happened to him. Now, it had been years since he’d last hung out with friends and actually had fun save for the occasional company sponsored formal parties. His daily routine consisted of home, work and back home again. It was soul draining to be stuck like that.

Today, marked his fifth year in the company. He was given a bonus and a raise. He should be happy. In fact, he was grateful. 

But. He still felt empty. He wanted something more- something that will last until forever.

On most days, he would’ve ignored the hum of numbness in the pit of his stomach. But today was turning out to be different than most.

As he stood solemnly on the stop together with other awaiting passengers-to-be, in front of them hung a huge electronic billboard showing different ads, the light giving a glassy illumination on their sullen faces that night.

There wasn’t any other way to say this, he supposed. It was purely coincidental when his life started moving again because of a single action. Renjun was an old clock having had it’s batteries changed for the first time in years, its hands moving rustily but with newfound vigor.

It happened like this:

Renjun saw  _ him _ on the big screen. And his life seemed to unpaused itself on its own, finally having found the right button to push.

He stood there motionless as the world kept moving around him in a white noise. He watched the boy from the past smiled and charmed everyone in the present.

Renjun’s grip on the sling of his bag tightened the more he sees him. His insides were in a blender. He was seeing someone from the past but not really knowing them at all. He was frozen in his place, haunted by inkwelled memories from far back.

The boy on the screen beguiled the camera and everyone who was watching.

“Is that Jeno Lee?” the teenager on his side asked her friend and Renjun jumped out of his skin. The name sent chills down his spine. He recognized it and the face but somehow, the person in the billboard still felt like a stranger to him.

“You’re right. Wow. He’s the new face of that world class mall? That’s amazing for someone who hasn't been in the industry for long.”

Renjun tuned out of the conversation, feeling invasive all of a sudden.

He ended up focusing his stare on the man he very much knew from the past.

Jeno Lee.

_ Jeno Lee _ .

_ His _ Jeno Lee.

Or he used to be until nine years ago, when the other had left him waiting alone in the abandoned barn where they used to meet with each other unbeknownst to anyone.

There was a bitter taste in his mouth that he had washed off a long time ago. But it had come back with a vengeance so strong that it made him lightheaded.

In that moment the bus miraculously came and Renjun rode it home feeling inexplicably more drained than before, leaving the bright and vibrant electronic billboard behind without a single glance.

 

_ It had been years since he last heard his voice. _

Renjun had his eyes closed, feeling the breeze on his skin as music softly played in the background. He was standing on the terrace of his hotel room, leaning on the railing and basking in the late afternoon summer sun.

He had just closed a deal for their company that was worth hundred millions of won and had just reported to his boss on the other side of the country. The older woman was elated to hear the news, said that he could use the company credit card until he no longer wanted it. They had been chasing after this deal for months, of course his boss would splurge on his success. Nevertheless, he declined the offer and replied that he would only spend money on what was needed.

The hotel and beach resort he was staying at was one of the conglomerate’s properties and Renjun was given a lavish room as a sign of their newly formed business associates status.

Renjun felt proud of himself for snatching the deal with the hotel beach resort conglomerate. After all, it was what he had been doing for the past seven years otherwise he wouldn’t be sent here.

However ecstatic he was, though, the feeling of glory was starting to lose its appeal to him too fast for his own liking.

Sighing, Renjun opted to just go down to the hotel bar to get a drink or two, just to make himself relax enough to feel sleepy. Partying was out of the question, he was alone and he didn’t want to be social in that moment. Tomorrow, he would go back to the city- back to his everyday grey routine.

Tonight, he would drink.

“Whiskey on the rocks, please.” He said with a raised hand once he arrived at the hotel bar. The bartender made his drink after a nod.

Soft jazz played in the background for the few patrons inside as quiet chatters whispered in his ears. He supposed the people preferred the beach bar outside where the ambiance was far too wild and exciting for his purpose.

“Thank you.” Giving a curt smile to the bartender when he received his drink, Renjun made way to the table near the opened veranda doors after, loving the way fresh air breezed its way in, brushing his cheeks and hair with affection.

The sun was setting at the end of the sea and he watched as it gave way to the moon, painting the sky an ethereal colour of perennial and salmon. He felt nostalgic seeing how beautiful the scene was. His lips parted.

The last time he was in this side of the country was when he was still a green teen- so hopelessly filled with dreams and wonder for the world and for himself. Renjun couldn’t help the tiniest movement of his lips at that thought. His naivety was in its purest peak. He felt invincible then, like nothing could hurt him if he would always look at the bright side of everything.

Of course, like most things he believed in to be true when he was young- he was wrong about this one too.

Renjun thought it wasn’t exactly a bad thing to be proven wrong. It had its both sides. It was just that sometimes, he hoped that he wasn’t struck down so hard than he had experienced at the hands of…

He let his thoughts trail down the drain. He shouldn’t be thinking about him at this moment in his life. It had been so long. That part of his book had already closed its chapter- there was no point in going back to undo what was already done.

He had moved on. And so had Jeno.

Two pieces of puzzles that had worn each other out. Aged fireworks that no longer spark. A chipped mug. Wood planks beaten down by merciless rain. An abandoned barn filled with dreams for two.

Renjun lifted his drink to his lips and sipped. The ice had already melted and the whiskey tasted bland on his tongue but he downed it still. After all, the bitter taste in his mouth caused by the memories flooding back in was palpable enough for him.

There was a slight commotion near the stage where the live jazz band was playing a while ago that had suddenly caught Renjun’s attention.

“Our dear patrons, due to the sudden request, we have a special guest tonight from our audience.” The woman who was the jazz singer had announced with a smile. It looked like Renjun zoned out for quite a moment that he had missed the exchange of conversation between the band and the group of people in the table at the front. “But I’m sure you will all be delighted to hear from him. We’re very lucky that he had given in to his friends and will perform one song for us for free. This man is very famous right now. Let’s welcome him to the stage- Jeno Lee!”

There was a roar in his ears when he heard the name. Stunned was an understatement.

Renjun physically felt his soul leaving his body as he watched the man stood up from his seat, his friends’ cheers following him as he went up to the stage.

He was stuck in time, pinned to his seat, his breath caught in his throat. At the same time, emotions ran wild inside him like a forest fire- igniting every wilted memory and setting them ablazed for Renjun to relieve.

Then, he heard him. And the glasses of his fortress shattered.

“Hello, I’m Jeno Lee.” Jeno introduced himself then let out a chuckle when his friends whooped and whistled in support. Renjun felt his hand trembled at the sound of his voice- it was like a punch to his gut, hearing him shook Renjun to his very core. But he didn’t dare to move in fear that if he did, the other man would notice him. “I’m going to keep this simple and just sing my debut song. I wrote this song for someone who had been special to me. I hope you all enjoy it.”

The melancholic keyboard fused with modern electronic sounds start playing. Jeno started to sway slightly to the music, his eyes closed and looking so serene as he gets into the rhythm of the song.

Renjun was conflicted. He didn’t want to be in the same room as the other man but at the same time- deep, deep inside of him- the intense desire to hear the song that Jeno had dedicated to that special person kept him rooted in his seat.

Jeno opened his mouth and sang. Renjun forgot everything but the singer in front, glowing so beautifully with the subdued blue lighting, He looks eternal, like a character from a mythology. The voice that came out from him felt like magic, enchanting them to listen to the tale he was about to tell.

_ “... I know you did everything you could do _

_ Our love was red but now it turned to blue...” _

The words of the song burned itself in his mind. Renjun harshly released a breath, not wanting to hear the song anymore than he already had. But his body was a traitor, still frozen in time. He couldn’t make himself move and Jeno continued to sing.

_ “... I can see the pain in your eyes, I’m sorry _

_ But tell me, baby, did it feel right? _

_ To be with me and at the same time, _

_ Lose myself, my soul is burning out so casually.” _

Renjun’s palm gained little crescents from how hard he had his hands curled. He was certain that Jeno was singing about them. He didn’t know that Jeno felt this way.

Renjun felt guilt wrapped its claws on his insides like vines. All this time he thought Jeno was being selfish. It was stupid of him to think that the other wasn’t in pain as much, and if not more than, him.

_ He _ was the selfish one. He felt fallen, pushed out of his beliefs with one flick. His heart felt shaken to the brink of shattering.

Jeno was hurting more than him. And Renjun let him.

_ “I never thought that it would end like this _

_ You promised nothing but eternal bliss…” _

The room was becoming suffocating the more Renjun listened to the words directed at him. He gathered all the strength he could muster up- from his pain, his happiness, his experience, all of it. He reached out to them and begged to help him stand up and quietly leave the bar.

_ “Lie to me, oh won’t you lie to me? _

_ Give me reason to the pain _

_ My love, you were so right for me _

_ Oh, you were right for me _

_ But darling, we don’t hurt the same…” _

As the Renjun left the bar feeling like life had just thrown everything back right at his face, the music slowly faded away until all he could hear was the agonizing thunders of his heart.

 

_ It had been years since he last his fingers touches his skin. _

There was a storm outside. Offices, including his, had already cancelled today’s work due to how furious the weather had been since this morning. However, it seemed like someone from upstairs was truly testing him- Renjun ended up being stranded inside the pastry shop together with a few patrons.

He was on his way to the office when his boss called and told him not to go to work anymore. Heaven was raining cats and dogs then. Instead of going back home, he initially opted to just take shelter from the storm in the first pastry shop that he saw. He was planning on going straight home when the rain eased out a little.

It had been an hour since then but the rain was still unrelenting.

Renjun let out a sigh as the waiter handed him his second cup of tea. It was just his luck to have left his car at home today. He cupped the mug with both of his hands and took comfort in the little warmth that it gave.

“Here.” He  heard someone said then saw a slice of carrot cake served in a small platter in front of him.

Confused, Renjun frowned. “Thank you but I didn’t order anything-”

“I know. I ordered it for you. If my memory serves me right, you love your tea with a slice of carrot cake.” Renjun’s jaw went ajar at the person who spoke. Words got caught in his throat as he watched Jeno impetuously sat down on the chair in front of him, looking far too exuberant in this tempestuous weather. He thought he might be dreaming. “So, do you still like it?”

Blinking a few times and realizing that Jeno was in fact, talking to him and in front of him, Renjun felt like he was suddenly canoeing on whitewater that came with all the rush and unpredictable rocks. He was thrown headfirst into uncharted territory without prior notice.

Jeno was wearing a cap to probably hide his face from the majority of people that he passed by, but it was him. Renjun could not have mistaken that smile for someone else. He gulped because Jeno was still too beautiful up close, even more so without the makeup.

Renjun was certain it was him. The mole on his cheek was there. The lilt at the corners of his mouth when he smiles was there. The eyes that used to turn into crescents for him were there. His beauty was perpetual, testing the sands of time and eternity.

Renjun remembered. And Renjun marvelled.

“I do.” He replied shortly a beat later. He composed himself. He couldn’t understand his feelings at that moment, couldn’t put a name to it.

This was an inevitable meeting. In one way or another, they were bound to meet each other sometime. So for Renjun, he decided that he needed to be casual about this.

“I’m glad.” The other replied with a genuine smile. Jeno looked happy.

Renjun thought he deserved it. “Uhm. Thank you, I guess.”

“You’re welcome.”

Silence. A long pause of Renjun awkwardly eating and avoiding the other’s stare. Then, “Are you stuck here because of the storm too?”

“I actually just got here.” He only then noticed that Jeno’s hoodie was a bit wet on the sleeves. He probably ran in the middle of that storm just like Renjun did. “How have you been?”

Renjun opened his mouth to say something more than just a generic and simple response. With the colossal amount of things he wanted to say to the other man ever since he found himself waiting for nothing in that abandoned barn years ago, he didn’t know which one to let go of first. But sooner than he thought, the words just didn’t seem to reach him when he locked eyes with Jeno. His stare was piercing right through him like the old times. It unnerved him.

What he said was: “Okay. I’m just...  _ okay _ .”

And what Jeno replied was: “That’s good to hear. I’m glad.”

The smile that the other man made Renjun feel sand in his throat. Jeno was acting like their falling apart never happened, its pages torn out of their chapter in each other’s lives and burned to the ground.

Guilt and frustration bubbled in the pit of his stomach. Being around Jeno always messed with his emotions. Renjun’s control was losing its grip.

Jeno confused him then and now. He couldn’t read him, couldn’t figure him out. There was always uncertainty with Jeno and keeping up with that was daining.

“Jeno-”

“Renjun, do you want to get out of here?”

That stunted Renjun. His eyes gaped at Jeno like he suddenly grew a new head. “Why?”

“Why not? I think we have a lot of catching up to do.”

Renjun’s grip on the mug subtly tightened to hide its trembles. “I cant.”

Jeno blinked, taken aback. But then he reached out a hand to him, softly capturing his wrist in its circle as Renjun released the breath he was holding, quietly watching the gesture with trepidation. It felt like something ominous would happen before his wrist was in his hand causing his apprehensiveness, but nothing happened. The rain continued to pour. The world continued to turn. And they continued to exist.

Jeno’s hand stayed there on his skin, warm and familiar. Time turned back and Renjun was suddenly the teen that he was, irrevocably naive and hopeful.

“I want to talk to you. I  _ need _ to talk with you and we can’t have it here with a lot of eyes watching and ears listening. So, please, would you come back to my house with me?” Jeno’s voice was low and quiet, only loud enough for Renjun to hear the desperation seeping from it.

“Yes.” Was all Renjun could say before he was being swept away by the man from his past who had barged in unexpectedly in his present with a promise of future.

 

_ It had been years since he smelled the waft of his unforgettable scent. _

The moment Renjun stepped foot inside Jeno’s house, there was an unmistakable nostalgia that hit him seeing how the place was every bit of how Jeno and him had imagined what their dream home would look like. These were the whispered dreams that were bigger than their little world.

The walls of the living room were a pale shade of yellow, partnered with wood-centric furnitures. There was a huge glass window that faced the direction of where the sun would set, so they could watch how the sky changes color when dusk fell upon the land. There was a nook beside the fireplace where they would both do their readings. 

He was speechless. It was all the same down to the very last detail that it pained him to stare. Renjun couldn’t help but to turn to Jeno with questions ready to fire from his lips.

“What did you do?” He said in a sharp breath.

Jeno smiled but the corners of his lips didn’t reach his ears. “Don’t you like it? I made sure that I had everything down before I showed it to you.”

Taking a step back, Renjun felt fury ignite inside of him. “Jeno, what are you saying? You can’t just come back into my life and say shit like that to me. You disappeared, Jeno. Nine fucking years without a word from you! Do you expect everything to be okay without an explanation? Because it’s not. You’re fucking unbelievable.”

Of course he wanted Jeno back. But Renjun had been hurting all these years. He deserved an explanation and he was determined to get it from the other.

Jeno frowned, looking confused at his sudden outrage. “Renjun, I told you I will come back for you. I promised you. But you weren’t there when I did. You fell off the grid and I had no way of contacting you. No one knew where you went the summer after our graduation. I tried to look for you. But it was as if you just vanished into thin air.”

“W-what…” Renjun felt like he was thrown off a window after hearing what Jeno had just said. He couldn’t remember any of that. He was left waiting in the barn, that was what he remembered. He was shaking from the cold, sitting on the makeshift bed when the birds chirped outside and he decided that waiting was enough. “No! You left me without a word. I was waiting for you in the barn. I was waiting for hours. I stayed until the sun rose the next morning. But you didn’t come and I haven’t seen you since then. You cut me off of your life and ran off to be a celebrity. You made a life without me.”

Shock was plastered on Jeno’s face. “I was there. Don’t you remember?”

“No! That’s not what happened!”

“I was there, Renjun.” Jeno walked towards him, cautious as if Renjun was an untamed feline ready to run away. When he stopped short in front of him, Jeno reached for his hands and held them gingerly in his. Renjun trembles. He was scared. “I held your hands like this as we talked.”

Renjun shook his head. He couldn’t remember any of what Jeno had said. He couldn’t no matter how hard he tried. There was nothing in his mind. He remembered waiting. He remembered leaving.

That was all the memories he had of that night.

“You said you needed time. I gave that to you. You said that you feel lost and needed to think about yourself. You made me promise to come back for you after. I did all of those for you. Renjun, I waited for you as much as you did for me. Have you forgotten that?” Jeno had spoken so softly and earnestly, like he was afraid Renjun would break any moment.

And break Renjun did.

They came to him as flashes at first. Like scenes jumping from a broken reel film. They were vague initially, but as more memories kept coming back to him, the clearer everything became.

The barn was abandoned and a little old but for them, it was like a second home. The old structure was significant to both of them. It was a living witness to a lot of their first times.  Ever since then, the barn became a sanctuary of their own in their little town.

He suddenly remembered the song that Jeno sang a few years ago in that bar. Jeno wasn’t singing about himself. Jeno was singing  _ for _ him. The song was written in Renjun’s perspective, showing how much Jeno saw through him, understood him and accepted him.

Renjun became unhappy with their relationship and asked for a break not because he didn’t love Jeno, but because he loved him too much that he realized late how little of it he left for himself.

All of it- selfishness, greediness, possessiveness- he had shown them all to Jeno. But Jeno turned a blind eye to his flaws and he spiraled out of control. Renjun needed to put a stop to himself before he destroyed the most precious thing he had left in the world- Jeno’s unconditional love.

That night at the barn, Renjun finally remembered, that Jeno was with him. They talked. And he explained himself. Jeno pleaded for him- that they could fix it together, that he would do better. It broke Renjun’s heart to see the other blame himself for something he had no control of. He had never seen Jeno shed one tear before, but that night, Jeno cried for him.

Still, in the end, he felt like he needed to do this on his own- face himself alone. He wanted to be a person who was deserving of Jeno’s affection. Renjun wanted to be a person who was just  _ better _ in general.

But Renjun guessed he regretted his decision of pushing Jeno away. So much so that he repressed his own memories and replaced them with revised ones.

Renjun looked at Jeno with clear eyes. No words were needed for them to understand each other and for the other to pull him into his warm and awaiting embrace. He buried his face on Jeno’s neck and inhaled as he basked in the other’s familiar scent.

“Welcome home.” Jeno whispered.

“I’m sorry I’m late.” Renjun answered.

They still had a lot to talk about but for now, Renjun relished this unnamed feeling that only Jeno could make him feel. Because for the first time in so many years, Renjun found his way back home.

 

_ It had been years since he had gotten a taste of the smoke and saccharine of his lips. _

  
  


**Author's Note:**

> [cc](https://curiouscat.me/hrjflairs) | [twt](https://twitter.com/renjunflairs)
> 
> ps. ive been writing in filipino for months so i forgot how to write in english im sorry if this isnt what you expected  
> pps. please give me feedback
> 
> ppps. the song jeno sang in this is called Lie 2 Me by Fern.


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